Haters Gonna Hate

You ever have those days, weeks, or months where you feel that a particular person really hates your guts, but  he/she goes about it in an aggressive, yet fluffy way that may seem friendly to the unknowing passerby?  This is the equivalent of a ventriloquist smiling and giving you a rose while lowly saying “F you”.  Someone walking by might think, “Oh, how sweet,” but you, the “F you-ee”, ” if you will, obviously know the context, and you then conclude that this ventriloquist is a  conniving, deceiving poo-poo face.

The person who hates your guts (in a friendly way, of course) always smiles to your face and says nice things in front of other people, but they will always take every opportunity to prove that they’re better.  You’re not good at cooking?  They’re a world-class chef. They spend all their free time dicing, sauteing, and doing whatever it is that good cooks do.  You don’t find digging ditches particularly appealing?  They LOVE digging ditches–it’s awesome. It’s nearly orgasmic, that digging ditches…  You say that you’re not good at basket weaving?  They learned how to weave baskets from a remote Native American tribe.  You can’t dance?  They taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk.

Not only are they better at everything, but they’re also busier.  If there’s a surefire way to tell that someone doesn’t like you, it’s the time, or lack thereof, that they invest in things that are important to you.  While you, the unlikeable gal or chap, likely spend 8 or more hours a day at your job and perform other survival duties, like whipping up meals, taking baths, socializing with friends and family, thinking of ways to better your future, and just living life in general, this person assumes that you twiddle your thumbs 16 hours a day and sleep the other 8.  No one can POSSIBLY be as busy as them.  You have to invite them to events 6 months in advance so that they can pencil you in on their schedule (pronounced SHEDule), only to realize that they’ve been double-booked, and “So long, I have a more pressing engagement”.  Note that when they do show up to occasions, they often mention alcohol consumption.

Exclusion is also a handy identifier of a hater.  Feeling left out?  It’s probably because you are.  Did those “thank you’s,” “congratulations,” “I’m so happy for you’s,” and “It was so great to see you’s” somehow skip you along the way?  Yeah, well, it’s because they don’t like you!

Yet another way to tell how much someone doesn’t like you is how often they claim to not want the things that you have.  If you have some pretty high heels, they say, “Oh, those are nice, but I wouldn’t wear heels.  I’m the perfect height”.  If you have an expensive cable package, they say, “Cable is nice, but when I think about how busy I am, I just don’t have time for TV”.  If you have a hot boyfriend, they say, “I LOVE being single.  My life is amazing.  Anyway,  I don’t go for looks”.  They also think that everything you like is tacky.  Hairbands?  Ew.  Sparkly things?  NO WAY!  Non-neutral eyeshadow?  Total faux pas!

NOW!  Why does this person not like you?  Think. Think.  Think.

Oh yes, it’s because you have one thing that they want more than anything in the world.  It doesn’t matter that you have this thing, whatever it may be, because you earned it or deserve it.  They apparently deserve it MORE.  Because they can’t admit that you–a measly, digusting, unlikeable creature–have that something special, they will go out of their way to make you miserable. 

It seems like such a time consuming task for someone so busy.

But, c’est la vie.  Haters gonna hate.

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