Crazy Says WHAT?!

I’m beginning to think that I’m crazy.  Well, to clarify, I’m not beginning to think it. I’ve been contemplating my potential craziness for some time now.  I’ve actually been asking my friends and family.  I keep getting answers that include, “No,” “Rational,” and “Normal,” and I even got an, “Everyone else is crazy”.  It’s a little disappointing that after all the introspection that I’ve done throughout my life, I still don’t know myself well enough to deduce whether or not I’m, in fact, crazy.

I’m like a Scotch Korean.  I’m a walking contradiction.  You might as well stick me in a pack of Starbursts.  I’d probably be a yellow one because that’s the most sour and  least delicious, and that’s about my luck.  Yep, I’m the yellow Starburst of life…

Not many things about me are consistent.  My views are different from day to day.  Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  I know that  I consistently like cats, and I consistently like smoking hookahs though.  It’s probably weird that I’ve never smoked a cigarette or done a single drug in my life, but I frequently smoke raspberry and blueberry-mint flavored tobacco out of a questionable looking, yet completely legal, smoking apparatus.  So, I suppose that I’m a cat loving, hookah smoking lemon Starburst.

At this point, I should probably explain why I think that I’m crazy.  I think that I might be crazy because I observe things around me and state the obvious, and some people react as if we’re living on completely different planets.  I can say that I saw a rabbit hop across the forest, and someone else will say, “No, that was a mermaid falling from a tree and galloping across the foothills of Turkey,” or just something completely absurd like that, and of course, I’d be wrong.  I’m always wrong.  Then, the person who saw the galloping mermaid will probably call me out for degrading a hare by calling it a rabbit in the vision that they didn’t even see.  And, how dare I say that the rabbit was running!  That rabbit hare was jogging at its own pace!

In addition to that, I often inadvertently do things that come off as being insensitive and catty.  I might say, “Hey, good morning,” and someone else will say, “I’ll have a good morning when I’m ready, but thank you kindly for your input.  Don’t make me feel obligated to immediately have a good morning–this isn’t a competition.  Just because you’re having a good morning doesn’t mean that I need to be doing the same.  I’ll have a good morning at 3 PM if that’s what I want to do, so have a NICE DAY!”.  To this, I’ll say, “Ok, you too,” and the story will continue on.  That person will say, “Now you’re just being cocky!”.  Meanwhile, another person will walk by and say, “Hey everyone.  Good morning!”.  The person who just got done tearing me a new one will then say, “Hey Teddy, good morningggg!”.  Who did I think I was being so RUDE and INSINCERE?

Also, I can pay a compliment that will magically turn into an insult within moments.  Somewhere between my mouth and another person’s ears, the phrase, “I like those shoes,” turns into, “Your butt is fat and your mother never loved you”.  If my words don’t get turned into other words, they get taken the wrong way.  If I say, “You’re so smart,” it’ll be taken as, “Thank goodness you’re intelligent because you sure are ugly”. 

On the flip side, my friends and family think that I’m a normal and sweet person, which is completely insane given the above scenarios.  While I’ve greatly exaggerated everything that I’ve said so far, the point is still the same.  Two people can carry out the same two actions, but one of those people can be perceived as being a friend while the other is a complete and utter tool.  If someone has a problem with a person, there is essentially nothing that person can do that will be right.  If someone has a chip on their shoulder, EVERYTHING that someone else does will get blown out of proportion.

Perhaps I’m a little sweet and a little sour, a little crazy and a little normal, or predictable with a surprise or two.  I’m not sure.  All I know is that I have to figure it out because my patience with society and all its dramatics is growing thin, and if I’m actually crazy,  I should probably start collecting my government check ASAP.

Ending on a Sherlock Holmes quote, “It is quite a three pipe problem, and I beg that you won’t speak to me for fifty minutes”.

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